Disclaimer: I know I was supposed to be talking about my adventures on this blog, but hey, this is something that needs to be pondered on. So, sit back, relax, and read through as you re-assess yourself. Adventures would be so much better if you know you’re not running away from doing people wrong 😉
I bet all of you are well aware of how hyped up is the ‘Thirteen reasons why’ series nowadays. It has been commended and criticized, depending upon how people have understood it. Well, I’m not going to do that. But just know that I have read the book and I have it in mind as I write this entry.
Words can hurt or heal. Take it from someone who has always been reckless at spitting out her opinion and someone who already got used to taking shit from other people. Take it from someone who have been on both sides of the spectrum. I’m not gonna come clean, I am a terrible person. I’ve said things, done things, that has hurt others and with all sincerity, I apologize. I’ve always been a people person, I got a lot of friends who talk to me whenever I pass by them along the school corridors. Friends who are only there for the good times. Lately, I’ve made a lot of changes on myself. Lifestyle, people I acquaint myself with, perspective in life, etc. This includes leaving people behind and not giving a damn about what they say.
But is it really possible to not give a shit about what people say? Is it really possible to not be hurt whenever people talk about you behind your back? I don’t think so. Being the strong person that I am, I always tell my friends to not give a shit about those stuff, to not let other people’s words bother them. I thought I never did. Until one day I found myself in the corner of my room, fighting off the tears and the screams that wanted to get out of my system as I think of all the bad things that people around me were saying. Until I bawled my eyes out and screamed with the hopes that the lump in my throat would be gone for good.
Have I ever thought of taking the same road Hannah Baker did? No, I didn’t. But just like Hannah, I wanted the pain to stop. I wanted to stop caring. I wanted to stop feeling. As I made some changes on my life, I’d like to believe I became a better person. I’ve decided to always just be the BIGGER person. Not the person who I was before. The person who hurt back the people who hurt her just to feel better, the person who said shit about people just to feel good about herself. I am not that person anymore. And as good as it feels, it sucks just the same. It sucks to feel helpless while people around you continue to pick on you. It sucks to be taken for granted and to be perceived as a weak person for not fighting back and choosing to still be a good person.
Not gonna lie, I still say shit about people until now, I am still a terrible person. I am just more mindful of my actions now. Because I know how bad it feels to want to stop feeling things and to feel desperate of getting rid of the pain. I guess I just got blessed with few people who made sure I get through it with them. But what about those who do not have friends as good as mine? What about those people who got their problems all piled up as if nothing could go right anymore? I’ve been there and trust me when I say, it’s like a 30-day trial of hell.
Now, I’m gonna be honest with you. I wrote this because I feel bad, because I want the pain I’m feeling to stop. I wrote this because I needed an outlet for all the words that has been hurting me lately. Because sometimes, the comforting words are not enough.
Sometimes the comforting words are not enough to cover up all the mean words people have said about you but taking your life is not an option. It should never be an option for anybody. The world and the people in it are terrible, we are terrible. But not all the choices we have are terrible as well. We could still choose to be good and to be happy. There’s so much to be thankful for. We can choose to stop saying shit about others, to begin with.
It sucks to be in a very happy state in your life and have other people try to ruin it. It hurts to be thrown with hurtful words just because you did things to protect something that is important to you. I am hurting, but I will get through this. Shout out to my friends who didn’t tell me all good things, my friends who do not always agree with me and made sure they call me out whenever I did something wrong. Maybe that’s when you know you’re blessed with friendship that is true, when they do not just tell you the things you want to hear. When they call you out when you’re doing something wrong because they want you to be a good person and they believe that you are capable of being one. Thank you, friends, for giving me something to be thankful for daily. Thank you for never giving up on me.
To my boyfriend who never fails to make me smile and remind me that I am worthy, Thank you. Thank you for making sure that I feel loved everyday. Thank you for always standing up for me whenever other people does me wrong, for doing everything in your power to ensure that our relationship is getting the respect that it deserves and for exerting extra effort in countering my demons. Thank you for being my knight in shining armor.
To my family, we may all have our shortcomings, but thank you for being my number 1 reason for being strong. Thank you for always asking if I’m okay. Thank you for always hugging me after every long and tiring day. Thank you for wanting to fight for me during my battles even though I just keep on stopping you. Thank you for putting up with my shit whenever I am in a bad mood because people have done me wrong once again. Lastly, Thank you for always reminding me not to aim for perfection, but to aim for goodness. I wouldn’t be the strong person that I am if not for you.
To You, Papa God, Thank You! Thank You for putting these people in my life. Thank You for blessing me more than I deserve and forgive me for not appreciating it enough. Thank You for being my solid rock foundation and for being the one I talk to whenever I feel like I don’t have anybody left. Thank You for being the great God that You always are. I will forever be in awe of Your love for me.
To everyone who has read through my entry and made it here, Thank you! Thank you for giving me a platform I could use to feel better. Thank you for listening. Now that you’re here, I want you to walk away with this thought which you could ask yourself daily:
Words can hurt or heal. What did yours do today?